A Letter To My Future Best Friend

Where have you been all my life? I’ve longed for someone to get me. I’ve longed for a meaningful connection that never breaks. You are the someone that fills my emptiness. And for once, it’s not one-sided. We hold hands and balance together bit by bit, supporting each other as we walk the tightrope of life. I’ve fallen platonically in love with you. And somehow you love me back. My self-hatred, my skepticism, my feelings of unworthiness, my feelings that I’m a lost cause, they don’t scare you a

From Trauma to Freedom

| This is the 521st story of Our Life Logs | Born in May of 1992, I was raised in the suburbs of Long Island, New York. From a very young age, I had a sensitive heart and big emotions that were reflected in my actions. I could be drawn to tears and fall into the lowest of the lows. Back when I was a child, I found it impossible to be soothed. I just wanted to be loved and held constantly. Yet no matter how much love was given, I always held an achy longing feeling in my chest for someone to pay

The Truth Behind Being Chronically Confused About Your Sexuality

I believe that sexuality is fluid. I also understand that I don’t necessarily need to label myself, but wrapping my head around my sexuality still feels frustrating and confusing sometimes. Am I only interested in women, or is my sexuality broader than that? How do I know that I feel attracted to someone? Why is attraction all so simple for everyone else but not for me? However, I have recently come to terms with the fact that I may never identify with any particular sexuality label. Why do I

How Gaslighting Abuse Survivors Makes Them Question Reality

When someone claims that your own body is lying to you, it can majorly mess with your head. But when you constantly face accusations from multiple sources, you start feeling insane. Many abuse victims experience this type of gaslighting on a daily basis, not just from their abuser(s), but also from loved ones, law enforcement officers, and even strangers. Exiting the denial stage is oftentimes abuse survivors’ first step towards healing. When survivors finally recognize that someone is indeed

How Eating Disorders Provide A False Sense Of Control

People with eating disorders often have a history of trauma, and many have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a co-occurring diagnosis. An eating disorder is used as a maladaptive coping mechanism that originates from the manic desire for a sense of control. The problem is that it’s a false sense of control because the eating disorder takes over. During my residential treatment stay in 2018, I wrote a song about what it’s like to struggle with an eating disorder and PTSD. I titled it The Puppet

What Life Is Like With an Eating Disorder Nobody Seems to Know

I was recently asked by my dietician to share my experience with ARFID — avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder, poetically. This was a great honor for me because I am so passionate about spreading awareness, especially when it’s about a disorder that isn’t well-known and too often gets missed; missed by doctors, missed by dietitians, missed by the mental health community and missed by the eating disorder community. The lack of education on this disorder causes so many people to feel hopeless

What Happens When Depression Fully Encompasses Me

My depression doesn’t just come and go — it breathes me in. It feels as though I have become depression myself. It fully encompasses me and I know nothing else but its sinking and tugging at my heart. Friends ask me to do something fun like try acro-yoga or go to Dave and Busters, and I just lay in bed and hope that sleep takes me away longer this time. My alarm clock rings and I come to the slow realization that I am awake and alive, my worst nightmare. And so I cry. And it’s not the pretty gi

As A Queer And Jewish Woman, Here’s Why I Refuse To Be Silent About The Election Results

As a Queer and Jewish identifying woman, I am overwhelmed with fear and anger at the turn out of this election. I am baffled with the results that have divided our nation, and although I am saddened by this divide, I refuse to cooperate with those who are in support of what Donald Trump stands for: pure hatred and the destruction of human rights. I am angry, and I accept this feeling as valid and well-founded. Do not dare to claim my anger as invalid, unacceptable, and/or unwarranted. I am ang

Thoughts From An Eating-Disordered Mind

The eating disordered mind is plagued with obsession and self-hatred. It strives for perfection but it’s never attainable. I refer to my eating disordered mind as a separate entity, almost like a separate person. His name is Ed. Ed has been my best friend, my lover, and my care-taker. He has been there for me through my moments of despair and through my episodes of happiness. Never have I had a person in my life who is so loyal. But perhaps he is too loyal. Perhaps he is attached to me, becomi

When You Fall In Love With Your Best Friend, But It All Falls Apart

Maybe it starts out as any friendship would, exchanges of shy smiles, casual talks of mutual interests. You know, the basics. Maybe you don’t think anything of it. Maybe you feel some attraction but you toss it aside, or maybe you fall right into the unfathomable trap of her bright eyes and now you have discovered there’s no escaping them. That last one, that’s where I am. The first time we spoke, you had taken me to lunch after class. We revealed our hearts like they were secrets waiting to b